This blog is part of a series by Claire Macklin, divorce and breakup coach, created in collaboration with Amicus Law. Together, we are exploring the emotional and practical complexities of separation, and how the right support can help people move forward with greater clarity, confidence, and care.
Friends and family are often a lifeline during a divorce. Many of my clients tell me how fundamental their friends have been, and how supportive their close family are.
However, even the most well-meaning support can get in the way of reaching settlement or moving forward with hope. They may have the best intentions, but they may inadvertently make the process more difficult for you.
- Your friend whose divorce was full of conflict might be saying, “My ex did exactly that – you can’t trust them”
- Your uncle, whose divorce 25 years ago resulted in him losing contact with his children, might be saying, “the system is rigged against you; you must go in fighting”
- Or your Mum, who is hurt and angry on your behalf might be saying, “they’ve treated you so badly, you need a rottweiler lawyer to take them for all you can”
It can be so tempting to listen and take on board these views –they validate how you feel and offer a sense of certainty or relief in the moment.
Other people’s experiences and emotions can seep into your divorce process, increasing conflict, and making it more painful.
Here are 5 things to watch out for:
Assuming their story and yours are the same
When others unconsciously overlay their experience onto your situation, they may make big assumptions about your ex’s behaviour or encourage you to do things that will increase conflict and prolong the process.
This can distort your perspective, pushing you away from listening to your own values, and sometimes ignoring the facts.
Remind yourself that they are seeing your situation through their own emotional lens. Your experience may be very different.
Encouraging a “win/lose” mindset
Rather than encouraging you to think in a resolution-focussed way, sometimes people fuel a litigation mindset. Seeing the divorce process as a “win/lose” scenario could cost you dearly. Money spent on fighting is money taken from the pot.
Instead, work out which of your support team can take a wider view, step back and see how you might be able to resolve matters between you.
Reinforcing emotional reactivity – fuelling the fire
When others match your anger, it amplifies.
Perhaps you have a friend who feeds you information, telling you what your ex has said about you, or what they have posted on social media, before giving you advice on what you should do next.
Or you have a friend who accepts your version of events without question, validating your anger and experience.
It is of course tempting to listen to every bit of negative information about your ex, and surround yourself with people who will tell you what you want to hear – but that one friend who will tell you what you need to hear, rather than what you want to hear – is invaluable (and brave!).
Undermining professional advice
The professionals around you – your solicitor, mediator, financial neutral, coach – all have experience working through separation with clients, built on years of supporting people through separation.
When friends say, “Well, my brother did it this way” or “you don’t need a solicitor to do that, you just need to fill in this form and it’ll all be done”, remember this is anecdotal, not advice tailored to your situation. They are simply telling you about their experience, or that of someone else they have heard of.
Your situation may be entirely different, and following their advice could lead to you feeling confused, or to making decisions you regret later.
Feeling torn
Sometimes, those around you take a very strong stance. They may take sides very quickly and put pressure on you to make a particular decision, or act more quickly than you might really want to. They may want to know every little detail, offer constant advice, or expect to be consulted on your decisions.
This can leave you feeling torn between what might be right for you, and what will keep them happy. It may also feel like you are losing your autonomy.
Choose very carefully who you share everything with. Support is most helpful when it creates space for you to think clearly, not when it adds noise, urgency or pressure. A quick check in with yourself can help you spot when advice might not be in your best interests:
- When I spend time with this person, do I come away feeling calmer, clearer, more in control?
- Or do I go home feeling more anxious, stressed and confused?
Whether you need emotional support, practical guidance or legal advice, help is available.
You can speak to Claire Macklin for coaching support around separation and rebuilding, or contact the Amicus Law Family Team for clear, professional family law advice.
