This blog is part of a series by Claire Macklin, divorce and breakup coach, created in collaboration with Amicus Law. Together, we are exploring the emotional and practical complexities of separation, and how the right support can help people move forward with greater clarity, confidence, and care.
Managing school holidays after separation can feel like a minefield.
Routines are up in the air. Parenting differences become sharper. Plans might change (or not get made at all). Messages might go unanswered. And the person you’re trying to plan with is often also the person who triggers you most.
It’s easy to think, “how can the law help me with this?”
However, most of these challenges are emotional or practical rather than legal. The law may not have the answers. For some parents, changing the way they communicate will change the dynamic. For others, nothing they do will make the other parent behave differently.
So what can you do?
In my experience, the most powerful shift comes when you move from trying to control the situation or change the other person, to steadying yourself within it.
Here are seven tools to do that:
1. Plan ahead, but don’t wait for cooperation
Plan early. And more importantly, plan without needing your ex to engage constructively.
Be proactive. Put together a clear, reasonable proposal, share it, give a deadline, and state what you will do if they don’t respond.
E.g. “Here is my proposal for the summer holidays: [insert dates]. If I don’t hear back before [insert date], I will plan in accordance with my proposal.”
2. Separate the roles in your mind
Your ex is two people now:
- The person you have history with – your ex-partner
- Your children’s other parent
Those two identities can feel impossible to reconcile, especially if there’s hurt, anger, betrayal or mistrust between you. However, your children experience them only as one: their parent.
The more you can mentally separate those roles, the less reactive you’ll feel, and the easier it becomes to make decisions from a calmer place.
3. Slow everything down
Holiday arrangements often unravel in a flurry of reactive messages. An email arrives, your body responds with strong feelings, you reply quickly, and so begins a chain of angry, accusatory messages.
Instead, interrupt the pattern:
- Pause before you open the message and take some deep breaths.
- Read it once and notice your reaction.
- Step away for a time, preferably 24 hours.
- Draft your response. Only respond to anything requiring an answer. Don’t defend, apologise or attack. Avoid sentences starting with “you never” or “you always”.
- Show a sensible friend.
- Send.
Remember, you choose when and how you respond.
4. Write as if your children will read it one day
When you are drafting, imagine your child reading it as an adult.
- Would you feel comfortable with what you’ve written?
- Does it reflect the parent you want them to remember?
5. Use structure to protect your energy
When communication is difficult, structure helps. Bill Eddy’s book, “BIFF for Coparent Communication”, is a useful resource here.
Eddy’s BIFF approach (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm) is simple, powerful and effective. It gives you a framework to:
- Say what needs to be said,
- Avoid getting pulled into conflict, and
- Keep your dignity intact.
And most importantly, it stops your energy being drained by endless back-and-forth.
6. Let go of “equal time”, and focus on your relationship
This is the part many people resist. Many parents become preoccupied with the amount of time, believing it must be divided exactly equally, or by an exact percentage. However, time might not be divided exactly as you’d like, and it might feel unfair. Or your ex may not show up as you hoped.
Children don’t need perfectly divided time. What they really need is emotionally available parents in the time they have. When they are older, they won’t remember how many days they spent with each of you. But they will remember how being at the centre of their parents’ conflict over time made them feel.
7. Focus on what you’re creating, not what you’re missing
It’s so easy to focus on the moments you don’t get, the days they’re not with you, or the experiences you imagine they are having elsewhere. Remember that your relationship with your children isn’t built on a tally of days. It’s built on how they feel when they are with you.
So ask yourself:
- What do I want them to experience in our time together?
- How do I want our home to feel?
Sit down with the children and brainstorm ideas of things you’d like to do, places you’d like to go, people you’d like to see, and then plan to do those things.
A final thought
The holidays after divorce are rarely smooth, especially in the early years. It can be stressful and frustrating. The most empowering thing you can do is to focus on being a safe, steady, grounded parent your children can rely on.
Even if your ex is difficult and inflexible, grounding yourself means you aren’t pulled off course by what comes up. That steadiness is what your children will feel and carry with them.
Whether you need emotional support, practical guidance or legal advice, help is available.
You can speak to Claire Macklin for coaching support around separation and rebuilding, or contact the Amicus Law Family Team for clear, professional family law advice.
