Navigating a separation or divorce can feel overwhelming, especially when the world around you seems focused on new beginnings and fresh starts. This blog is part of a mini‑series by Claire Macklin, divorce and breakup coach, created in collaboration with Amicus Law, to support you with clarity, steadiness and reassurance. Today, we explore the quiet but transformative power of setting intentions as you move through this challenging chapter.
As we move into a new year, you might be surrounded by talk of “fresh starts” and big plans. If you’re going through a separation or divorce, that optimism can feel very far removed from your reality. You might feel unable to plan at all, and frightened by how uncertain the future looks.
Many people make resolutions at the start of a new year, and many abandon them just as quickly! When you’re navigating divorce, traditional resolutions, or goal-setting can feel unrealistic or overwhelming. A gentler, and often more effective, approach is to set your intentions.
What do I mean by setting intentions?
Over many years coaching people through separation and divorce, I’ve seen that one of the most impactful things you can do is decide who you want to be through this process.
Goals focus on outcomes, many of which are outside your control – what your ex does, the choices other people make, how long things take. Intentions focus on the one thing you can control – how you show up.
How you behave now – what you say, how you respond, and the choices you make during this period of uncertainty – will have a significant impact on your experience of the process, your longer-term wellbeing, and often your financial and emotional costs too.
Rather than setting defined goals, you could ask yourself:
- How do I want to show up during in this process?
- Who do I want to be, even when it is hard?
- How do I want to feel about my behaviour when I look back in 5 years’ time?
- How do I want our children to remember this time when they are older?
Spend some time journalling your answers to these questions can help you form a clear picture of who you want to be as you move through this.
Perhaps your intention looks something like (these are examples, not a checklist):
- Showing up as the best version of myself I can manage
- Pausing to take a breath when my emotions rise
- Communicating in a way that is respectful, clear and dignified
- Acting in a way I can feel proud of later
- Wanting our children to remember I behaved well, even in difficult circumstances
Once I’ve done that, then what?
Setting intentions in this way gives you focus and a sense of direction when things feel chaotic.
Write them down, and place them somewhere visible – on the fridge, the mirror, as a screensaver on your laptop. They act as an anchor to keep you steady.
Before replying to a message, sending an email, attending a meeting, or engaging in communication with your ex, pause and ask yourself:
“is what I am about to say or do taking me closer to, or further away from, the person I want to be?”.
This question alone can prevent you from a reactive decision you may later regret.
Clear intentions are especially valuable when you feel stressed, overwhelmed or under pressure. They pull you out of the moment and back into the bigger picture, and often they make the right next step clearer.
Some clients also set their intentions daily or weekly. One client spends 5 minutes each morning with her children, discussing how they want to feel or behave that day. They write their words on post-it notes and stick them on the fridge – words like brave, calm and kind. In the evening, they check in with each other, to talk about how the day went.
Setting your intentions won’t remove the difficulty of divorce, but they can significantly change how it feels to live through it, and how you look back on it later.
Whether you need emotional support, practical guidance or legal advice, help is available.
You can speak to Claire Macklin for coaching support around separation and rebuilding, or contact the Amicus Law Family Team for clear, professional family law advice.
