This blog is part of a series by Claire Macklin, divorce and breakup coach, created in collaboration with Amicus Law. Together, we are exploring the emotional and practical complexities of separation and how the right support can help people move forward with greater clarity, confidence, and care.
“How do we tell the children?” is one of the questions I am asked most often in my sessions with clients, along with “how do we make sure our divorce doesn’t damage the children?”.
Many people spend weeks, months or even years avoiding having this conversation. I have known couples who have finalised their divorce and still not told the children, and people who have stayed in unhappy marriages for years because they fear the impact that separation will have.
Although this might be the first time you speak to your children about divorce, it won’t be the last. You’ll have another conversation after the first overnight stay with the other parent. Another before Christmas. Another when they ask why their friend’s parents still live together. Another before a big birthday, wedding or graduation. Another when they have left home and have questions about their childhood.
Many parents feel huge pressure to get that first conversation perfect: to say all the right things, avoid all the pitfalls and somehow protect their children from every difficult emotion.
In reality, the words you choose that day matter less than the relationship you build afterwards.
When I’m working with a client to prepare for this conversation, we often step back and look at a much bigger question:
What is your job as a parent?
If your goal is to raise emotionally healthy, resilient adults, then perhaps the question isn’t “how do I stop my children feeling upset?” but “how do I help them navigate uncomfortable emotions in a healthy way?”.
With that in mind, here are some thoughts:
Be curious before you reassure
Instead of rushing to reassure your children that “everything will be OK”, first find out what they’re worried about. One child may be worried about where they’ll live. Another might secretly think the divorce is somehow their fault. Another might worry about how they will get to football on Saturdays.
Ask questions to find out what your children are thinking and feeling, rather than assuming you know. Let them know they can ask you anything and share anything with you. Make sure they know they can come back with more questions any time, whether that’s tomorrow, next month or next year.
Welcome questions, even the uncomfortable ones
Your children’s questions are all information. They tell you what they are trying to make sense of.
Even if you’ve answered the same question twenty times, or their questions raise difficult emotions for you, resist shutting it down because it’s uncomfortable. If children know they can ask, they’re much less likely to carry those worries on their own.
Let them have their own feelings
Your child might not react as you would expect. They might cry, get angry, ask if they can go back to playing on their Xbox, or they might seem completely unaffected. All those responses can be normal.
As parents, our instinct is often to protect our children from painful emotions and upset. Of course it is. But sadness, disappointment and uncertainty are all part of life.
Your role isn’t to make sure your children never experience those feelings. It is to help them learn they can move through them safely, knowing you are there to listen and support them.
Feeling upset doesn’t mean your children are being damaged. It means they are beginning to process a big change.
Show them that it’s safe to love both parents
This is often one of the hardest things for parents. It can be painful when your child comes home excited about a fun weekend with your ex. You might feel hurt, jealous or left out, and that’s understandable.
Remember your children’s happiness with their other parent isn’t a rejection of you. In fact, it’s usually a sign they feel safe and secure enough to share it with you, and that is something to feel proud of.
One of the greatest gifts you can give your children is permission to enjoy both homes without feeling guilty, or responsible for managing your emotions.
The less emotional responsibility they carry for you, the freer they are to simply be children.
The first conversation may last just twenty minutes. The real conversation happens over the weeks, months and years that follow. Your children won’t remember every word you said that day. They will remember whether they felt safe asking questions and sharing their feelings and worries.
That is what will stay with them.
You can speak to Claire Macklin for coaching support around separation and rebuilding, or contact the Amicus Law Family Team for clear, professional family law advice.
