This blog is part of a series by Claire Macklin, divorce and breakup coach, created in collaboration with Amicus Law. Together, we are exploring the emotional and practical complexities of separation and how the right support can help people move forward with greater clarity, confidence, and care.
If you’ve been asking yourself “Should I stay or should I go?” for months, or even years, you are not alone. Many people assume this is a straightforward choice between two options. In reality, it is much more complicated than that.
When clients come to me to explore whether they should stay or go, they are often really asking a different question, or questions. Here are 6 of the most common:
Can this marriage be fixed?
If you pride yourself on always doing your very best, on never giving up, or you value loyalty above all else, this is huge. You may find yourself asking, have I tried hard enough? Is there more I could try? Will people judge me for giving up? Could counselling still work?
These questions take you down a potentially spiralling path, so try asking these questions instead: What have I already tried? What happened? Is my partner prepared/able to work on this with me? Am I holding myself to a higher standard than I would expect of someone else?
You could also do a visualisation exercise. Imagine you are watching yourself on a screen, in a movie – as a member of the audience, what would you advise your character to do?
What if leaving is a mistake, and I regret it?
Perhaps you fear that the decision to leave, once made, is irreversible. Maybe you imagine regretting leaving, breaking up the family, hurting the children, or being alone forever. Perhaps your partner tells you these things will happen.
When we think about making a big life change, our minds naturally focus on what could go wrong. The familiar feels safer than the unknown, even when we’re unhappy. We become very good at imagining the risks of leaving, while paying less attention to the impact of staying exactly where we are.
If you recognise this feeling, try broadening the questions you ask yourself. What if staying is a mistake and I regret it? How might I feel in 5 years if nothing has changed? What if some of the things I fear never happen? What if the future turns out differently to how I imagine it today?
How will this impact the children? Will it destroy their lives?
Perhaps your spouse has told you that if you leave, it will ruin the children’s lives, or you’re worried that they will see you as the bad guy, and your relationship will suffer. This is a huge and very real fear for many of my clients. Separation can be painful for children, just as living in a home with tension, conflict or unhappiness can be painful.
Spend some time thinking about the model of relationships your children are seeing right now. What are they learning about commitment, communication, conflict, respect, boundaries, forgiveness? If you stayed, what might they learn? If you left, what might they learn?
My spouse isn’t a bad person; is it OK to leave just because I’m unhappy?
Underneath this question is often a fear that you could be expecting too much, or that there must be abuse or cruelty to justify a decision to leave. Or perhaps you’re wondering whether this is what long-term marriage is like and asking whether you are being selfish for wanting more.
Instead of asking whether it is OK to leave, spend some time asking yourself these questions: What do I value within the marriage? What do I wish was different? What do I need in order to thrive? Have I communicated those needs to my spouse?
The goal here isn’t to make a case for staying or leaving, rather it is to become clearer about what matters most to you.
What if I can’t cope on my own?
Often this question underpins everything else. I have worked with clients who worried about everything from managing household expenditure, to dealing with technology, DIY, to loneliness and caring for the children as a single parent.
If you’re worried about coping by yourself, it helps to get really curious about those fears, so ask yourself “what specifically am I afraid of?” When you break the fear down, you can then consider how you could mitigate each one – what support might you need? What might you need to learn? What skills do you have that could help you?
Can I trust myself to make the right decision?
Perhaps you’ve lain in bed at 3 am going round and round in circles, wondering if you can trust yourself to make the ‘right’ decision? This can be truly debilitating, especially if you’ve lived for a long time with criticism, people-pleasing, or you’ve always put everyone else’s needs above your own. Along the way, you might feel you’ve lost confidence in your own judgment.
Rather than asking “can I trust myself?”, ask yourself some other questions to probe a bit deeper: When in my life have I made decisions well? If my closest friend was in this situation, what would I advise them? If I imagine myself at 80, looking back over my life, what would that older version of myself say right now?
Sometimes, confidence in a decision doesn’t come before the decision – instead it grows because of the decision.
Many of my clients want certainty before they make a decision. They want to know that staying is the right choice, or leaving is the right choice. Sadly, life rarely gives us those guarantees.
What often helps is getting curious about the questions beneath “should I stay or should I go?”. Once you understand what is really driving the dilemma, you’re in a much better position to decide what happens next.
Whether you need emotional support, practical guidance or legal advice, help is available.
You can speak to Claire Macklin for coaching support around separation and rebuilding, or contact the Amicus Law Family Team for clear, professional family law advice.
