Christmas after separation or divorce can feel like the Ghost of Christmas Past has come to pay you an unwelcome visit. Traditions that once felt joyful might now feel awkward, painful or complicated. Music and movies that once made you feel warm and cosy might now bring a lump to your throat. The job of getting down the decorations from the roof might lead to a flood of memories you weren’t prepared for.
Perhaps you always collected a new bauble every year, and they are now a reminder of what you feel you have lost. Maybe, like one of my clients, your family always opened stocking presents all together on your bed, and you don’t know what to instead.
If any of this feels familiar, you are not alone. Here are some ideas to help you let go of the Ghost of Christmas Past, and begin shaping a new Christmas Present:
Acknowledge how you feel
Be gentle with yourself and acknowledge the feelings as they arise. Notice and name them without judgement, for example “I’m feeling sadness right now” or “I can feel the anger rising”.
When you name your emotions in this way, it creates a little space between you and the feelings. You can step back and observe how they rise and fall, rather than be swept away.
Give yourself permission to say no
Be kind to yourself, especially if this is your first Christmas after your split. You don’t have to go to the neighbours’ annual drinks, the carol concert, or the party you always went to as a couple. Protect your emotional energy.
Create new rituals
New traditions often feel a bit odd at first, but that’s normal. You can try things on for size, just like you might a new coat.
My client who worried about the family stocking tradition suggested opening stocking presents in front of the fire with a glass of Bucks Fizz. The children were older now, and they loved the new twist on the old tradition – now they do it that way every year.
Another client changed the order of the day – instead of Christmas dinner at lunchtime, they had a bigger breakfast, a walk in the light, and dinner later in the day.
Sometimes a small tweak makes all the difference to how you feel.
Ask yourself what you can do now that you couldn’t do before
This isn’t about putting a positive spin on everything. It’s about recognising the small moments of possibility and opportunity.
I once asked a client this question, and she answered, “I’ve always wanted to join the Boxing Day horse-ride along the beach, but I haven’t been able to”. Until now, when her children were away with their Dad over Christmas. She put her name down that afternoon and later emailed me to say how much she had enjoyed it, and how much difference it had made to how she felt.
What won’t you miss?
Are there some traditions you’ll be glad to see the back of?
- No more overcooked sprouts?
- No more frantic present-opening, while your ex hovered with a black bin liner to collect the paper?
- No more visits to the cantankerous old relative who complained that the children were too loud?
Now is your chance to retire these traditions without guilt.
Reflect on what you’ve achieved
Take a moment to look back and recognise what you’ve managed this year. The conversations you’ve survived, the nights you’ve got through, the decisions you made even while you were running on empty, the way you have carried yourself through, how you have shown up for your children even while you were struggling yourself.
Take a moment to breathe, smile at yourself in the mirror, and acknowledge your own strength.
Let go of the old and let in the new
If you aren’t sure what to do with that old box of decorations that feels so heavy, give yourself options. You might pack them away for another year, when things feel less raw. Or donate them to a school or charity. Or keep a few that still feel like “you,” and buy one or two new ones with your children. When you feel you have choice, you will feel more empowered.
Creating a new Christmas doesn’t have to be dramatic. Small choices create shifts that are more powerful than you might expect. You don’t have to adopt all of these changes, and you don’t need to pretend everything is fine. What matters is that you give yourself choices.
You can keep the traditions that still work, let go of the ones that don’t, and try something different to see how it feels. Small changes can make a big difference, and make this Christmas feel more manageable and more yours.