Christmas can stir up all kinds of emotions at the best of times. For those of us whose families have been reshaped by divorce, it can be especially complicated and require the negotiation skills of an international diplomat.
As children grow up, form relationships and begin creating their own traditions, those negotiations can become even trickier, with multiple households, emotions and expectations to consider. Often, the balancing act shifts from the parents to the next generation.
Take Maria’s dilemma for example:
Maria’s story
Maria is 24. Her parents, Jane and Phil, went through a messy divorce when she was 6. Since then, Christmas has always been divided “fairly”. Maria spent Christmas Eve up to Christmas lunch with one parent, and Christmas afternoon to Boxing Day night with the other.
This year, Maria has been invited to her fiance’s parents’ home for Christmas. She would really like to accept the invitation, but she doesn’t know how her parents will feel.
How Maria feels:
Maria has never really liked Christmas. Although she has vague memories of Christmas before her parents’ divorce, they are blurry. Her strongest memories are of feeling tired from all the travelling, awkward during the handovers between her parents, and envious of her friends who got to have one tree, one turkey, and one stocking.
She thought it would get easier once she was grown up, but it hasn’t. Instead, it feels like an emotional juggling act. She knows her parents are still angry with each other, and she feels responsible for keeping the peace, so she has continued the routine set up in her childhood. Every year it continues, she feels increasingly stuck.
She doesn’t know what to do, or how to talk to her parents about it.
Perhaps Maria’s story feels familiar to you?
From Maria’s perspective:
Maria has slipped into the role of peacekeeper or mediator between her parents. She is trying to keep everyone happy and sacrificing herself in the process. It may take courage for Maria to step out of that role and express how she feels. Maria also knows if she says nothing, the pattern will continue. Every year she says nothing, it will get harder to raise. So she is determined to say something this year.
Questions Maria could ask herself:
- What role do I find myself playing in my family at Christmas, and how does that affect me?
- What would I like instead?
- What might my perfect Christmas look like?
- What other options might there be?
- What would need to change for that to happen?
- How could I express to my parents how this feels to me, without blame or criticism?
- How could I frame the conversation, so it is possible for them to hear me?
- How could I get comfortable with the possibility that my parents might not welcome the change?
From Jane and Phil’s perspective:
It can be hard for parents to realise that the patterns set in childhood may no longer serve their adult children. Perhaps Jane and Phil have assumed that Maria is happy to continue the routine. However, although it was originally set up to ensure “fairness”, it keeps everyone stuck. Perhaps Jane and Phil would also like to change the routine, but aren’t sure how Maria will feel about it!
Questions Jane and Phil could ask themselves:
- Stepping into Maria’s shoes for a moment, how might it feel for her to still be navigating our divorce nearly 20 years’ later?
- What assumptions might I be making about what Maria wants or needs at Christmas?
- What would shift if I looked at Christmas as a whole season, rather than a day to be divided?
- If Christmas looked different this year, what new traditions might I like to start?
- If I was talking to a friend right now, what advice might I give?
Change can feel uncomfortable, especially around long-held traditions, but it is often where growth begins. If Maria avoids the difficult conversation around Christmas, she risks becoming resentful, which could affect her relationship with her parents. Although it might be scary to raise, bringing these issues to the fore can result in growth.
The shift in perspective from seeing Christmas as a season, rather than a single day to divide could make all the difference to Maria and her parents. It may become less about an equal sharing of time, or keeping score, and become more about enjoying time together – whether that is on Christmas Day, or another day over the festive period.
Feeling the pressure of Christmas negotiations?
If Maria’s story resonates with you, you’re not alone. Many families find the festive season challenging when traditions and expectations collide. The good news is, change is possible – and it starts with an honest conversation.
If you’d like practical tips on navigating these conversations or support in creating a Christmas that works for everyone, get in touch with us today.